Happy Birthday, Mister Bushido
by Momoko
Summary: Shounenai, strange pairing. In Celebration of Roronoa Zoro's birthday! Drinks on the house! Rated for language.


Before you go on to see the pairing, please take these several factors into account.  
1. I greatly enjoy taboos within taboos, in other words, fucked up yaoi/shounen ai pairings. (Crocodile/Mihawk, Sanji/Usopp, etc, etc...)  
2. I am off my rocker, nuts, a few kittens short of a litter, not the brightest candle on the manora, and I also happen to have several roos loose up in me pen.  
  
  
And so, without further ado, here is my Usopp + Zoro ficlet.  
  
Just give it a try, my main squeeze is SanZo, UsoZoro makes me feel all fuzzy inside sometimes, if only because it's a "strange" one.  
  
Warnings: OOC, Near schizophrenia, Zoro gets hormones (some, anyway) and too damn wordy (I can't make him properly stupid), stream of thoughts (think _Mein Kampf_, but not prejudiced towards jewish people.)  
  
  
*~*~*~* a separator for your enjoyment *~*~*~*  
  
I felt nervous. Well, I **always** feel nervous, but that wasn't the point! What was the point now? Oh yeah, I'm getting as forgetful as Luffy... I didn't actually forget, more like I'm avoiding it altogether. It... oh fuck, I said "it"... Since when was this an "It"?!?! Since when was this an issue?!?!   
_  
Since you started caring._   
  
Shut up, you! I don't really care! It's just from being at sea too long!  
_  
Look, now you're arguing with yourself over-_   
  
Stay out of this!   
  
_How can I? I'm you, idiot!_   
  
Well.... Well... Just be quiet a while! I need to think clearly! Ah.... um.... I know! I'll say a rabid eel took his present and bit me, so I can't be about during his party! No, no, no, that won't do! Arrrgh! Maybe... Maybe I lost it overboard, saving a mermaid caught in a fishnet! or... or...  
_  
You're just going to have to be there, Luffy's the one who wanted the party, the man in question just wanted to get drunk._  
  
And why couldn't he?!  
  
_Because that would make life easy, and you could go back to avoid those nice, dark eyes of his._  
  
Shut up, Shut up! SHUT UP!  
  
_Stop acting like such a sissy and face it, like a true sea warrior! You'll never know unless you give the damned things to him!_  
  
... I.... I don't know...  
_  
You **know** I'm right. How would dad feel if he knew you were avoiding him?_  
  
He... he would...  
_  
He'd be ashamed of you, that's how! Now come on, what happened to Brave Captain Usopp, the mighty sea warrior?_  
  
... He never existed... He's fake! This is fake!  
_  
Look, McClain, suck it up and hand them over, the party starts as soon as we get to port, and from the looks of things, that's gonna be in about twenty minutes._  
  
*whimper*  
  
_You have both__ wrapped__ already, all you have to do is hand them over. _  
  
Well... I guess.... Yeah! Yeah, I'll go through with it!  
  
_That's the spirit! now get your skinny ass in gear, there's not a moment to loose-_  
  
"USOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPU!!!"  
  
Fuck...  
  
_... f__uckity..._  
  
... fuck.  
  
"C'MERE AND HELP ME WITH THE RUDDER! THEN WE CAN PARTY!"  
  
"Ok, Luffy! Be there in a minute!"  
  
_*siiiigh...*_  
  
*~*~*~* a separator for your enjoyment *~*~*~*  
  
That was certainly an interesting dream. I usually never dream when I nap, probably why I get nightmares all the time, but whatever. It's not every day you saw the gunner of your ship in a white dress, singing "Happy Birthday" in one of the strangest way's possible. Had he **ever** winked before? Wasn't too bad of a sight. Maybe that Yassop guy had the right idea. Usopp has really long eyelashes...  
  
Things like that weren't really important. Love and stuff, I mean. Sex is just something carnal, that I can deal with, but love... Love grabs you by the balls and hangs on like a sailor to grog. Don't get me wrong, if I love someone, I won't let it come between me and my dream. Cold, maybe. But I have a duty. I have to make it up to her. Hell... sometimes I get this creepy feeling that she's around somewhere on the ship. If she is, I hope she has the sense to freak out the stupid cook. but still, I won't just leave them in the dust, I'd never do that to someone I loved. I don't know... maybe I'd be more careful... or something like that...  
  
But anyway, everyone somehow found out it's my birthday today. I don't really like birthdays, I mean I don't ever want anything. A new weight would be nice, I guess. I really do need a whetstone, though. Nami said she was going to buy me clothes... what for? I have a set of clothes... I dunno what the rest of them ar getting me... Luffy'll probably get me some kind of meat or another.   
  
What the hell is Usopp whining about now? He actually looked pensive, rather than mucking around with his chemicals or Luffy or whatever. I've seen him be serious a fair few times. When that Kuro bastard started dragging his dad's name through shit, when any of us were in danger at all, things like that set him off. That was when I really noticed him. It's hard to miss him, since he's always so damn loud. I mean like notice him, see he's not just an idiot with a beak. Really, his nose isn't ugly or anything, it's just... different. Sure I'll yank it to get him to fight, but I'm not trying to really make him mad. Hey, he calls me ugly, I get to yank on his nose, we're even. I don't need him to tell me I'm ugly, that's like the sky getting offended that someone called it blue. Now Usopp, he's a different story. He's got nice hair, too...  
  
We're almost at port. Joy. Well, I'd better help get the ship in, the sooner we get there the sooner this'll be over with, and the sooner I can get some grog.  
  
*~*~*~* a separator for your enjoyment *~*~*~*  
  
Well... we're here... Luffy got us to an inn for the party, so it isn't all bad. Pretty good bar, but they don't have the best grog. A beer is a beer is a beer. Down the hatch.  
  
So far, I was right about Luffy. He got me a bunch of beef steaks, filet mignon, I think. 200 bellies says he steals half of them. Nami got me some patterned shirts. She says I looked good in that one blue and green thing, that shirt got torn up, if I remember right. Nico gave me a few scrolls on samurai. Kinda stereotypical, but kinda cool too. Sanji got me a suit. I wouldn't have minded so much if he wouldn't have insulted my haramaki. Asshole... Anyway, Chopper gave me a first aid kit, in case I got hurt and he wasn't around. I thought the little guy was gonna cry if I hadn't smiled. Usopp's next. He's been looking kind of ill, but chopper said there wasn't anything wrong with him.   
  
I really didn't need all that stuff.... oh well, I like that they got me stuff, more than the actual stuff.  
  
*~*~*~* a separator for your enjoyment *~*~*~*  
  
Usopp's palms sweated, his hands clenched on one of the two presents he'd gotten Zoro. He had wrapped it in a black, dragon patterned bandanna, but he decided to shove it into the pocket of his overalls, opting for the other present. He forced a grin, unnerved as everyone's eyes turned to him. He set the cold bottle onto the table, sweatdropping nervously. Zoro looked mildly shocked.  
  
"It's... ah..."  
  
"Guinness!" Zoro grinned, "This stuff's hard to come by around here. Where'd you get it?" Usopp puffed his cheeks and straightened his shoulders, trying to look impressive.  
  
"I got it straight from a leprechaun! He'd dug a tunnel through the world with a spoon and sailed on his hat to trade it for some nice stink pellets!"   
  
"That's what you said about my book on gold mines, except he dug through the world with a toy shovel, and he sailed on his pet monkey. " Nico chuckled. Zoro laughed, and Usopp's stomach did a triple axle. _  
  
__He didn't say the lie was stupid!__ And... that laugh was.... nice... _  
  
Usopp turned the color of Luffy's vest, laughing along with everyone else to cover it. He went along and drank with the rest of them, trying to calm himself. After a few hours of a good old fashioned pirate party, people started turning in. First chopper fell asleep, and Nami carried him up to his room at the inn, followed by Sanji. Luffy snored at the table and Nico just watched, up until she decided to tickle Zoro. Usopp had to try to suppress another blush.   
  
_Why the hell is a **laugh** setting me off?!?! Well, It does sound really nice- AGH!_  
  
Nico ended up dragging a comatose Luffy up the stairs, and the table seemed to me magnetically attracted to Usopp's forehead, seeing as he was hiding his face there. Zoro poked him in the shoulder, flushed and densely happy from alcohol.  
  
"Oi, long nose, you all right?"  
  
"Uh... yeah..." he replied, muffled. Zoro rolled his eyes and partially picked Usopp up, one of his gangly arms slung around a muscled shoulder.  
  
"Hey, hey!! I can get up myself!"  
  
"Quiet, you." He chuckled, much more jovial than when he was sober. Usopp pouted and let Zoro drag him. He'd only had five pints... well, he was usually pretty wobbly by three, but he couldn't exactly remember that right then. Zoro mostly had to stare at the ground to keep them going in the right direction, but something in Usopp's pocket caught his attention by the lamplight.  
  
"Oi, what's that in your pocket?" he queried, stumbling on a step.  
  
"Uh... s'nothin'... 'nother present for ya, but..." Usopp trailed off, leaning his hand on his door to steady himself. he pulled the cloth bound rectangle from his pocket, trying to look nonchalant, so as to draw attention away from his blush. Zoro wobbled a bit, clumsily untying the bandanna, he smiled at the bandanna a minute more before pulling it off, blinking down at the whetstone in his hand. This was a nice one.... Usopp shifted his weight, one hand still on his door and the other playing idly with his sash.  
  
"Is... is it a good one?" Zoro smiled. he didn't grin, he smiled, tucking it into his pocket.his eyes half closed, one thumb traced Usopp's jaw as he moved closer. Usopp could swear his heart was going to explode, it was beating so fast. The swordsman murmured a thank-you into Usopp's ear, tilting the gunner's head up with a gentle hand, his other covering the Usopp's on the door. Usopp looked up into Zoro's curved, gray speckled eyes, blushing heavily and closing his own oak colored eyes. Zoro brushed his lips against Usopp's, tasting the grog from the party and ginger from dinner. Usopp's shaking hand came to rest on Zoro's chest, strangely wonderful thoughts roaming through his brain.  
  
_Warm..._  



End file.
